Rejoicing in the day the Lord has made means time management!

Sometimes because I'm unemployed and still trying to live life productively and maintain my drive, I put a lot of pressure on myself and invent a lot of chores or tasks that I MUST do. I actually overwhelm myself with goals that aren't that important, and I have this erroneous mindset that because I have all this free time, I should be mastering 12 different things at once! The house should look perfect! I should look perfect and work out for 2 hours every day! I will master Calculus on the internet! I will walk the dog so hard he will be tired out all day! I will buy a sewing machine and sew all my clothes! I will become famous for my (nonexistent) blogs and read 400 other blogs every day!! Obviously I didn't even get near this last one.

This kind of thinking got me in trouble, because I was putting more pressure on myself than I've felt at any job I've worked, even waiting tables. And how was I rewarding myself for these obligations? By feeling guilty when I inevitably could not finish everything I wanted to finish. It sapped my enjoyment of life and even drained the satisfaction I usually feel when I am productive. I felt the opposite effect of what I'd intended - emptiness, even a painful void of purpose. I was starting to feel very depressed because the use of my time was, to me, purposeless, and nothing seemed to give me enjoyment like it used to.

I've tried something new this past week and I'm feeling so much better. Here's what I've done: RELAX. Slow down. Instead of trying to accomplish everything I want on a daily basis, I've slowed it down to every other day.

• 30 minutes on the elliptical every other day
• Expand the job search every other day
• Vacuum the whole apartment every other day

Plus, it's ok not to do certain things sometimes. I can be obsessive, but I'm not obsessive-compulsive. Who cares if I didn't blow-dry my hair for one day? 2 days? Who cares?

The best, most helpful thing I've done is give myself permission. Today I told myself its ok to read the Bible before doing chores or walking the dog. And I did. Yesterday I told myself, its ok to watch 3 episodes of Star Trek in a row. The house is clean, dinner is thawing, I worked out.  Take a break with Jean-Luc Picard! And the day before yesterday I let myself lay around and finish Over Sea, Under Stone by Susan Cooper, to accomplish my goal of re-reading The Dark is Rising series before the books are due back at the library. Which, by the way, may not happen. I always bring home too many books from the library  (and rarely take them back - trying to turn over a new leaf this year!) I always bite off more than I can chew... :)

The power of honesty

I try to make a habit out of being completely honest, to the best of my ability. I experimented a bit when I was 11 or 12, with telling lies or half-truths. The thing is, that someone always found me out, and that felt terrible. Not only that, but before I was found out, I was always really worried about what would happen if I was found out. I also felt really bad if someone suffered negative consequences of my lies. I think that I learned at a young age, that I don't feel good when I lie. It has no reward for me and rather burdens me with guilt. So I guess I have been blessed by God with a powerful conscience, and enough negative experiences to hammer it into my thick skull that lying is bad for me.

I want to be known as a trustworthy person. I want to be known as genuine and open. I enjoy being these things because it frees me from guilt and bad feelings, and makes my dealings with others much simpler. It is very difficult for me to comprehend lies from other people, and I don't want to cause the same complications for my friends or anyone I come across. "It is what it is," as my husband and his grandmother both like to say.

Lord, help me to be honest. Help me to be an open book, and if I am tempted to lie, let me remember why its not the right thing for me to do. I don't want to suffer from guilt and I don't want others to suffer from being misled by me. Amen.

Elijah vs. Baal - Get off the fence!

In today's political atmosphere, I often feel outnumbered and insignificant because of my beliefs. Sometimes to avoid confrontations, I will abstain from letting my opinion be known. I still do this with certain people, mainly as a way of respecting them. Because they are older, I don't want to show disrespect by saying that I think their opinions are wrong, or selfish, or based on lies. Sometimes I will try to show dissent by keeping quiet, but I am not very good at this. When I don't say what I feel, then I feel dishonest, and that is a very uncomfortable feeling for me.

But then if I speak up, it sometimes opens me up to criticism, attacks, and harassment. So I don't know what the happy medium is between agreeing outwardly while inwardly condemning, saying nothing, and putting it all out there.

I guess with people that I know well and members of my family, I feel as though it is extremely assuming and presumptuous for me to say, "you don't have all the facts and you are wrong." I guess my understanding of political and religious belief is that there is a reason everyone thinks the way that they do, and that includes you, and that includes me. Perhaps it is right for one person to think one thing, and  for another to think something else. Maybe there is no objective truth, other than people were made to be happy. Therefore people will think whatever makes them happy.

I am certainly guilty of this. But I think it is so rude to try to persuade someone to see things your way. I'm still not sure what the exceptions are.

Am I a temple of God?

To know that God dwells in me helps me feel as though I have a higher purpose. It motivates me to be strong in what I do, and try to do whatever is right. To know that God dwells in me helps me make decisions that honor myself and therefore honor God.

I am not sure how intimate I want to be with God. I guess I don't have a really good idea of what that means. Does it mean to be completely happy? Or to be completely perfect, like a saint? To not live in this world? I have no idea. I do know that I like this world (most of the time). I guess I am of the earth that way. Maybe a part of my philosophy is thinking that this world is God's gift to all of us, and to enjoy it is to enjoy God's love for us. I definitely think life was meant to be enjoyed. That never means that I expect it to be easy, though. When times are hard, I try to remember how I appreciate things that I've had to struggle for and earn, rather than things that were just given to me.

What price would I pay to be closer to God? That is a tough, tough question. I could pay the price of smoking, I suppose. I could pay the price of being disciplined and starting good habits. However, these things are ultimately selfish because they are good for me. I absolutely know that I would not pay with the loss of my husband, which is something I feel is asked of me sometimes, since he is in the military. I am not willing to give up the hope for us to start a family. I am not willing to give up on my own family, my parents, my brothers, my sisters. These are not things I would risk for a relationship with God. I suppose that is, again, selfish of me. Isn't the saying that the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away? I keep telling myself this, but when any of these people I love are threatened, I am begging God please, don't take them away. So really, I don't know what I could give that would be of worth, besides my own actions, words, thoughts, and prayers, to pay the price of being closer to God.

I am a person who feels intense sadness and anxiety, but not often euphoria or awe. I'm hardly ever overwhelmed by positivity, but at the same time, positivity is something I try to cultivate every day. So it is hard for me to say when I might have ever felt in awe of God or overwhelmed by his presence. That is not to say that I am not grateful or do not appreciate God and what he has given me! I think it just may be hard for me to see through the drama and struggles I'm engaging in, and be open to feelings of awe or inspiration. I feel like I'm fighting for the power to be calm. Maybe once I can find that calm place I will know God better, and feel his inspiration in a bigger way. Its ok if not though. What I have right now is the strength to be happy, and I've been shown this through pain and the weirdest of circumstances. I feel blessed that I've even come this far, and I have lots of hope for the future.

2 Samuel 22

Today, rather than my thoughts we have some shameless plagiarizing from King David. Things seem a bit stormy now and I find this chapter comforting. It helps me remember that God is in control even when times are crazy and people have issues... What we need, he will provide.

David sang to the Lord the words of this song when the Lord delivered him from the hands of his enemies and from the hand of Saul. He said:

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation.
He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior -
from violent men you save me.
I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.

The waves of death swirled about me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called to the Lord;
I called out to my God.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came to his ears.

The earth trembled and quaked,
the foundations of the heavens shook;
they trembled because he was angry.
Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.
He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.
He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.
He made darkness his canopy around him -
the dark rain clouds of the sky.
Out of the brightness of his presence
bolts of lightning blazed forth.
The Lord thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded.
He shot arrows and scattered the enemies,
bolts of lightning and routed them.
The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at the rebuke of the Lord,
at the blast of breath from his nostrils.

He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
bu the Lord was my support.
he brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

The Lord has dealt with me according to my righteousness;
according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.
For I have kept the ways of the Lord;
I have not doen evil by turning from my God.
All his laws are before me;
I have not turned away from his decrees.
I have been blameless before him
and have kept myself from sin.
The Lord has rewarded me according to my righteousness,
according to my cleanness in his sight.

To the faithful you show yourself faithful,
to the blameless you show yourself blameless,
to the pure you show yourself pure,
but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd.
You save the humble,
but your eyes are on the haughty to bring them low.
You are my lamp, O Lord;
the Lord turns my darkness into light.
With your help I can advance against a troop;
with my God I can scale a wall.

As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the Lord is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in him.
For who is God besides the Lord?
And who is the Rock except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You give me your shield of victory;
you stoop to make me great.
You broaden the path beneath me,
so that my ankles do not turn.

I pursued my enemies and crushed them;
I did not turn back till they were destroyed.
I crushed them completely, and they could not rise;
they fell beneath my feet.
You armed me with strength for battle;
you made my adversaries bow at my feet.
You made my enemies turn their backs in flight,
and I destroyed my foes.
They cried for help, but there was no one to save them -
to the Lord, but he did not answer.
I beat them as fine as the dust of the earth;
I pounded and trampled them like mud in the streets.

You have delivered me from the attacks of my people;
you have preserved me as the head of nations.
People I did not know are subject to me,
and foreigners come cringing to me;
as soon as they hear me, they obey me.
They all lose heart;
they come trembling from their strongholds.

The Lord lives! Praise be to my Rock!
Exalted be God, the Rock, my Savior!
He is the God who avenges me,
who puts the nations under me,
who sets me free from my enemies.
You exalted me above my foes;
from violent men you rescued me.
Therefore I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations;
I will sing praises to your name.
He gives his king great victories;
he shows unfailing kindness to his anointed,
to David and his descendants forever.

David and Absolom

2 Samuel 19:1-8

David was overwhelmed with grief when his son Absolom was killed, even though Absolom had tried to kill David. But Joab, the leader of his army, took him aside and told him to basically get it together for the sake of his country of Israel.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about this. Right now, this speaks very clearly to me about things that are going on in my family. An individual person has the right to their feelings, of love, sorrow, guilt, and tolerance, but a parent also has the responsibility to protect their children. It was innappropriate for David to forget about the rest of his "children", the children of Israel, in mourning for his traitorous son Absolom. He absolutely had the right to mourn his son, but not to abandon his country in doing so. Maybe I just don't fully understand because I am not a parent. But as a parent, how can you choose one child over another? If one child abuses you, and this threatens the others, how can you overlook that? You may want to sacrifice yourself for the good of that one child, but how is that noble when the others need you to take care of them?

Lord, help me accept and forgive. Help me remember that all I want to do is help, and being judgmental or critical helps no one but myself. Help me understand what I can do to help my family. I thought I knew what I had to do but now I'm not so sure.

2 Samuel 12:13

I've struggled with a lot of negative feelings about myself. Anything bad that happens to me, I've typically internalized and blamed myself for. Things that I've been embarrassed about, I've felt so ashamed. Then over the last few years I've come to realize, slowly, that all of us are flawed in one way or another, and no one expects me to be perfect, not now at 26, and definitely not when I was 8, or 11, or 13, or 17. That helps me put it in perspective and get over feelings of shame.

I've figured out that even though we and I are imperfect, we still deserve lots of love, compassion, and forgiveness. And we get lots of love, compassion, and forgiveness from God if we open ourselves up to it. I think you have to admit that you are worthy and deserve love before you can accept God's healing in your life. I know that sounds so cliche and at the same time we are supposed to say in church, "I am not worthy." It's true - we aren't worthy. We aren't perfect. We sin, and make mistakes, and look stupid. But Jesus thought we were worth dying for, and that made us, with all our baggage and issues, worth God's love, and our own love I think. I don't mean a self-serving love but a self-healing love. If God loves me enough to give me a chance at life, then I can say thank you by loving my life. I hope that makes sense.

Lord help me remember you when I feel guilty or don't appreciate my life. When I think of times when I was embarrassed or when I looked bad, help me remember that this is part of being human, and that's all that I am. And I love it. I love being a human being. Help me remember that and thank you every day for giving me my life, no matter where it takes me. I know its not always going to be easy. But with your help I can make it good. Amen.