Am I a temple of God?

To know that God dwells in me helps me feel as though I have a higher purpose. It motivates me to be strong in what I do, and try to do whatever is right. To know that God dwells in me helps me make decisions that honor myself and therefore honor God.

I am not sure how intimate I want to be with God. I guess I don't have a really good idea of what that means. Does it mean to be completely happy? Or to be completely perfect, like a saint? To not live in this world? I have no idea. I do know that I like this world (most of the time). I guess I am of the earth that way. Maybe a part of my philosophy is thinking that this world is God's gift to all of us, and to enjoy it is to enjoy God's love for us. I definitely think life was meant to be enjoyed. That never means that I expect it to be easy, though. When times are hard, I try to remember how I appreciate things that I've had to struggle for and earn, rather than things that were just given to me.

What price would I pay to be closer to God? That is a tough, tough question. I could pay the price of smoking, I suppose. I could pay the price of being disciplined and starting good habits. However, these things are ultimately selfish because they are good for me. I absolutely know that I would not pay with the loss of my husband, which is something I feel is asked of me sometimes, since he is in the military. I am not willing to give up the hope for us to start a family. I am not willing to give up on my own family, my parents, my brothers, my sisters. These are not things I would risk for a relationship with God. I suppose that is, again, selfish of me. Isn't the saying that the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away? I keep telling myself this, but when any of these people I love are threatened, I am begging God please, don't take them away. So really, I don't know what I could give that would be of worth, besides my own actions, words, thoughts, and prayers, to pay the price of being closer to God.

I am a person who feels intense sadness and anxiety, but not often euphoria or awe. I'm hardly ever overwhelmed by positivity, but at the same time, positivity is something I try to cultivate every day. So it is hard for me to say when I might have ever felt in awe of God or overwhelmed by his presence. That is not to say that I am not grateful or do not appreciate God and what he has given me! I think it just may be hard for me to see through the drama and struggles I'm engaging in, and be open to feelings of awe or inspiration. I feel like I'm fighting for the power to be calm. Maybe once I can find that calm place I will know God better, and feel his inspiration in a bigger way. Its ok if not though. What I have right now is the strength to be happy, and I've been shown this through pain and the weirdest of circumstances. I feel blessed that I've even come this far, and I have lots of hope for the future.