Just this last weekend I had a crisis that ended up hurting me a lot. I've since recovered, but this is what happened.
One of my dear and close friends suddenly told me "goodbye" out of the blue. He did not respond to my inquiries about why he was saying goodbye, where was he going, and he pretty much cut off all contact with me, and I had no idea why. I had a weird feeling about it, but decided to leave it alone. But then, when I brought it up to my husband, he became concerned and convinced me to go check on my friend and make sure everything was ok. My husband was worried that my friend was acting suicidal.
So I drove across town, worried, and hoping that he would be home for me to talk to. I was relieved when I saw his car in the driveway. Then when he opened the door to me, I knew right away that something was wrong. I tried to explain that I was worried, that he was acting unlike himself, and I just wanted to make sure he was ok. He started drinking, and acting like he was angry with me, blaming me for not reaching out to him enough. He complained that nobody cared about him and that he was worthless. He talked as if he was going somewhere, but he would not tell me where. I think he wanted me to be worried and think he was suicidal. He became extremely ugly to me when I asked him if he was going to hurt himself. He told me it was pathetic that that was the only reason I came over to his house, and it was pathetic that I was the only one who came. I had the intention of sitting and staying with him, talking it out, but he didn't want to talk it out. He wanted to abuse me, abuse my friendship, feeling sorry for himself and taking it out on me. The last straw for me was when he looked me in the eye and said repeatedly, "Fuck God! Fuck God!" It wasn't the sentiment, which I can understand at times, but I truly felt that by saying this he was doing his best to provoke me. I felt so attacked. I hadn't been speaking to him about God, and he knew from our previous conversations that I liked to read the Bible.
I put my shoes on and left. The whole time I was there I was really emotional, upset and crying, and trying to show that I cared. When I left I was inconsolable. I was so concerned. I worried that he would hurt himself. After consulting my parents and determining that I could not be with him at this time, but still scared that he would do something he couldn't take back, I called 911 and explained the situation. Unfortunately, this just made it worse, and I cried myself to sleep that night.
Then I found out from another mutual friend that this is something that he does, often. He acts dramatically to try to force others to prove somehow that they care for him.
Since then I haven't spoken to him. I'm too disgusted, too angry. I feel as though I've been punished for trying to help, for caring, for doing what I would want a true friend to do for me if I was in a similar situation. And I actually have been in a similar situation. Thank God my friends and family cared enough to come be with me, and ensure that I was safe.
I've pretty much decided that I do not want any interaction with him. I am too angry to be of any help or encouragement to him, and I feel too manipulated to trust anything he comes at me with. At this point, I don't know how to respond with blessing aside from protecting myself, because I felt so threatened that night.
Maybe one day I will be able to forgive him in my mind. But unless he sincerely seeks help for his genuine problem, I do not want to be around him. I do not want to enable him to continue this unhealthy pattern, and I do not want to be vulnerable again to his abuse.
Lord help me heal from this and grant me some compassion and understanding. Give me the grace to forgive and move on, in your good time. Amen.
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