I have a lot of "but, Lord," moments. Usually they come from trying to find a way to rationalize doing what I want, what I feel like doing. For instance, a very recent example is that I was manipulated and misused by someone I had imagined was a close friend to me. There is pretty much no excuse for that person's behavior, no trust left over, and nothing left to form the remains of a friendship on. My parents and my husband, and my logic tell me that it would be best if I never contacted this person. But part of me thinks that I somehow owe it to this person to try to explain why we can't be friends. Even though I have tried this in similar situations in the past, and it has not worked out, part of me still feels tempted to do this. I'm on the brink of realizing that all that that is, is a natural and selfish inclination to assert my own opinion, even though I know it won't do any good. In fact I know it would open me up to more pain and make me vulnerable to more abuse.
Another example of this, that is closely related, is my rationalization for having close, unattached, male friends even though I am married. I am starting to realize that this is not as harmless as I originally thought, and sets me up for all kinds of pitfalls. Basically even though I know I have no intentions for infidelity, and trust myself and my love for my husband, there is no way that I can be assured of the other person's intentions. It is perhaps selfish of me to lean on a male friend emotionally without any intention of intimacy. At least I can see how my actions might be confused or mistaken for something else. Part of me knows this is not a good idea. I think I may have finally learned why I feel this way.
My commitment today is to myself and to my marriage. First, I am committed to removing myself from the presence of people who provoke me. Second, I am committed to not rely on my male friends for emotional support, especially if they are single and may have an interest in me. Only my husband. And to be very, very careful who I trust and who I allow to influence me.
No comments:
Post a Comment