Sanctuary

In today's reading (2 Samuel 9,) King David welcomes the last of Saul's relatives, Mephibosheth, into his court and guarantees that he will be provided for, in spite of Saul's constant attempts to kill David. He tells Saul's grandson, "You will always eat at my table."

Putting myself in Mephibosheth's shoes, I imagine feeling very surprised and relieved. I would feel grateful. All my life I've felt excluded (I've come to realize that I'm just an introvert, and I don't do well in situations where I'm put in large groups of people). So to be included at the King's table would make me feel so very honored. I would finally feel like I belonged and that I wasn't a wallflower any more.

Then I read the parable of the wedding banquet (Matthew 22:1-14.) I believe that the invitation extended from the king is that of happiness. God is inviting us to be happy in our lives. True happiness is found in faith, in times of uncertainty, hope, in times of suffering, and always kindness to each other. All of us are invited to happiness in God, in many different ways, but a lot of people would rather do their own thing. I've been there. I've been depressed and alone but somehow I always felt God was with me. I often chose not to acknowledge it. Even in the darkest times I've been blessed with hope for the future, whether I attributed it to God or not. I think the invitation is to live in God intentionally, and feed your spirit at his table. Sometimes our bad habits and selfishness keep us stuck and we think we would prefer those routines to eating at God's banquet. This is understandable because we are all creatures of habit. Right now the main thing that keeps me from peace is frustration in a lot of daily issues. I have to pray to be able to transcend these problems that I can't control and choose to be happy anyways.

"These are they who come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. Therefore,

they are before the throne of God
and serve him day and night in his temple;
and he who sits on the throne  will spread his tent over them.
Never again will they hunger;
never again will they thirst.
The sun will not beat upon them,
nor any scorching heat.
For the Lamb at the center of the throne
will be their shepherd;
he will lead them to springs of living water.
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."

Revelation 7:14-17

Praising God for his blessings

My personality can be reserved, sometimes perceived as cold. This affects my praise of God by understating it. I can be very happy and overjoyed without seeming like it, and I can be appreciative and thankful without making a big show out of it. Unless I feel completely comfortable being open, I can be really shy, especially in large groups of people.

During worship, I'm more inwardly focused. That's the introverted part of me. I don't go to church and worship with others that often so its not something I experience that much. But when I do go, I try to involve myself by singing the hymns and reading the prayers and thinking about the scriptures, enjoying the rituals. Its not so much about watching others worship and judging them. I really feel like that's none of my business. I think a good balance in worship is to genuinely be yourself and come to worship and nurture your spirit. God created us as we are and created us each to worship him in our own way, and God will judge, so I don't need to. At the same time I don't feel like its necessary to make a big show out of worshipping, but that's my personal preference. I'm more secretive about things like that. I usually enjoy when someone is exuberant about praising God, so long as they sound sincere. Sometimes I feel like people use prayer as a way of showing off or gaining popularity, and that annoys me.

Some recent blessings God has given me are...

• 3&1/2 months of not smoking! 
• Signs of hope and happiness within my family! 
• Financial stability.
• The time to focus on taking care of myself and my family. 
• A happy marriage with hope for the future. 
• A loving husband who appreciates me. 
• An adorable dog and cat. 
• A glimpse of what  my career might be, and the motivation to pursue that. 
• A loving and supportive extended family. 
• Good health, energy, limitless opportunities! 

Too many to name, in all seriousness. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for giving me so many good things in my life, that I can't even begin to talk about all of them. :)

Abigail and the power of gentle words

Abigail was an interesting lady who seemed to be in a bad situation, being married to a man with an ugly attitude whose name means "fool." Her livelihood was threatened because of her husband's foolishness, but she interceded to David on his behalf. David saw her to be intelligent and spared her and her family, letting her supplications soothe his anger at her husband. He credited God for letting Abigail influence him not to attack her homeland.

I am not very good at being gentle or sensitive to others' feelings. It is in my nature to be outspoken and assertive, but it has also been my experience that when others are that way to me, it persuades me to do the opposite of what they want, even though they might want the best for me. I know I have the ability to be thoughtful - it just seems like this whole summer and year have been about people testing my boundaries, and I have less opportunities to express that part of myself. I have to be careful so it doesn't disappear.

I feel less peaceful and more warlike these days. However, when an intervention is necessary, it is so important to find areas to connect, even though there is an obvious area of disagreement. Lately I feel really distressed about political differences. I feel attacked and deliberately misunderstood, judged for having my own opinions, and in retaliation I form my own judgements. This kills relationship.

Lord, help me find gentle words for people I disagree with. Help me have understanding and compassion for others as I have for myself. Help me see the humanity of my friends and family that I am having struggles with. They are your children too. Help me learn not to be threatened by idealogical differences. Help me be less angry; help me have -and share- peace. Love, Mandy.

Forgiving your enemies like David

Just this last weekend I had a crisis that ended up hurting me a lot. I've since recovered, but this is what happened.

One of my dear and close friends suddenly told me "goodbye" out of the blue. He did not respond to my inquiries about why he was saying goodbye, where was he going, and he pretty much cut off all contact with me, and I had no idea why. I had a weird feeling about it, but decided to leave it alone. But then, when I brought it up to my husband, he became concerned and convinced me to go check on my friend and make sure everything was ok. My husband was worried that my friend was acting suicidal.

So I drove across town, worried, and hoping that he would be home for me to talk to. I was relieved when I saw his car in the driveway. Then when he opened the door to me, I knew right away that something was wrong. I tried to explain that I was worried, that he was acting unlike himself, and I just wanted to make sure he was ok. He started drinking, and acting like he was angry with me, blaming me for not reaching out to him enough. He complained that nobody cared about him and that he was worthless. He talked as if he was going somewhere, but he would not tell me where. I think he wanted me to be worried and think he was suicidal. He became extremely ugly to me when I asked him if he was going to hurt himself. He told me it was pathetic that that was the only reason I came over to his house, and it was pathetic that I was the only one who came. I had the intention of sitting and staying with him, talking it out, but he didn't want to talk it out. He wanted to abuse me, abuse my friendship, feeling sorry for himself and taking it out on me. The last straw for me was when he looked me in the eye and said repeatedly, "Fuck God! Fuck God!" It wasn't the sentiment, which I can understand at times, but I truly felt that by saying this he was doing his best to provoke me. I felt so attacked. I hadn't been speaking to him about God, and he knew from our previous conversations that I liked to read the Bible.

I put my shoes on and left. The whole time I was there I was really emotional, upset and crying, and trying to show that I cared. When I left I was inconsolable. I was so concerned. I worried that he would hurt himself. After consulting my parents and determining that I could not be with him at this time, but still scared that he would do something he couldn't take back, I called 911 and explained the situation. Unfortunately, this just made it worse, and I cried myself to sleep that night.

Then I found out from another mutual friend that this is something that he does, often. He acts dramatically to try to force others to prove somehow that they care for him.

Since then I haven't spoken to him. I'm too disgusted, too angry. I feel as though I've been punished for trying to help, for caring, for doing what I would want a true friend to do for me if I was in a similar situation. And I actually have been in a similar situation. Thank God my friends and family cared enough to come be with me, and ensure that I was safe.

I've pretty much decided that I do not want any interaction with him. I am too angry to be of any help or encouragement to him, and I feel too manipulated to trust anything he comes at me with. At this point, I don't know how to respond with blessing aside from protecting myself, because I felt so threatened that night.

Maybe one day I will be able to forgive him in my mind. But unless he sincerely seeks help for his genuine problem, I do not want to be around him. I do not want to enable him to continue this unhealthy pattern, and I do not want to be vulnerable again to his abuse.

Lord help me heal from this and grant me some compassion and understanding. Give me the grace to forgive and move on, in your good time. Amen.

1 Samuel 17:32-51 - David the Underdog

God used David to take down Goliath so that Israel could be humbled and their faith strengthened. If their army had won the battle, that would have been a victory but the army could claim the credit. With David and his humility giving God full credit for his victory, there is no way to doubt that God had control. It also proved to the Philistines that Israel's God was powerful.

In everything that I do and everything that happens to me, I am seeking God's purpose. I try to use my good judgement and make the right decisions but I am human and sometimes (often) my choices are flawed. But it is apparent to me that God is powerful because he takes my stupid choices and turns them into an opportunity. Even though I am imperfect in many, many ways, I am still trying to be an instrument of God's will.

I have several battles going on right now. One is for my personal boundaries. Another is for my family. Another is to keep my cool in this time of heated political differences. Yet another is to overcome the fear of harm for my husband. Fortunately I have all these other battles to distract me from this last one -most of the time!

Lord, fight these battles with me. Help me calm down and stop feeling so angry and afraid. Soothe me when I feel flustered. Help me know the right way to respond to everything I come up against. Amen.

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

1 Samuel 15: 1-23 -But, Lord...

I have a lot of "but, Lord," moments. Usually they come from trying to find a way to rationalize doing what I want, what I feel like doing. For instance, a very recent example is that I was manipulated and misused by someone I had imagined was a close friend to me. There is pretty much no excuse for that person's behavior, no trust left over, and nothing left to form the remains of a friendship on. My parents and my husband, and my logic tell me that it would be best if I never contacted this person. But part of me thinks that I somehow owe it to this person to try to explain why we can't be friends. Even though I have tried this in similar situations in the past, and it has not worked out, part of me still feels tempted to do this. I'm on the brink of realizing that all that that is, is a natural and selfish inclination to assert my own opinion, even though I know it won't do any good. In fact I know it would open me up to more pain and make me vulnerable to more abuse.

Another example of this, that is closely related, is my rationalization for having close, unattached, male friends even though I am married. I am starting to realize that this is not as harmless as I originally thought, and sets me up for all kinds of pitfalls. Basically even though I know I have no intentions for infidelity, and trust myself and my love for my husband, there is no way that I can be assured of the other person's intentions. It is perhaps selfish of me to lean on a male friend emotionally without any intention of intimacy. At least I can see how my actions might be confused or mistaken for something else. Part of me knows this is not a good idea. I think I may have finally learned why I feel this way.

My commitment today is to myself and to my marriage. First, I am committed to removing myself from the presence of people who provoke me. Second, I am committed to not rely on my male friends for emotional support, especially if they are single and may have an interest in me. Only my husband. And to be very, very careful who I trust and who I allow to influence me.

1 Samuel 3 & Listening for God

1 Samuel 3



I have a lot of doubts and insecurities, and my mind is always busy thinking. Because of this, I often don't know what to do or feel. I am an over-thinker. But I'm getting better at listening to my feelings. Stopping smoking has really opened me up to this.

It is extremely hard for me to be still most of the time. I'm always moving, jiggling my leg, biting my fingernails. I have a lot of anxious habits. Its easiest for me when I'm in relaxing poses doing yoga, such as lying facedown on the floor or in Child pose. I could stay in these poses for a long time and I feel tired, lazy, and peaceful. My brain is really able to relax and be still. This is the most helpful thing about doing yoga. I do not necessarily "hear" God - maybe that will come with time, or if I do it for longer periods of time - but I definitely feel peace.

http://www.cnyhealingarts.com/2010/11/08/the-health-benefits-of-balasana-child%E2%80%99s-pose/

Psalm 84

How lovely is your dwelling place,
O Lord Almighty!
My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.

Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young-
a place near your altar,
O Lord Almighty, my King and my God.
Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.

Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.

Hear my prayer, O Lord God Almighty;
listen to me, O God of Jacob.
Look upon our shield, O God;
look with favor on your anointed one.

Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.

O Lord Almighty,
blessed is the man who trusts in you.