The power of honesty

I try to make a habit out of being completely honest, to the best of my ability. I experimented a bit when I was 11 or 12, with telling lies or half-truths. The thing is, that someone always found me out, and that felt terrible. Not only that, but before I was found out, I was always really worried about what would happen if I was found out. I also felt really bad if someone suffered negative consequences of my lies. I think that I learned at a young age, that I don't feel good when I lie. It has no reward for me and rather burdens me with guilt. So I guess I have been blessed by God with a powerful conscience, and enough negative experiences to hammer it into my thick skull that lying is bad for me.

I want to be known as a trustworthy person. I want to be known as genuine and open. I enjoy being these things because it frees me from guilt and bad feelings, and makes my dealings with others much simpler. It is very difficult for me to comprehend lies from other people, and I don't want to cause the same complications for my friends or anyone I come across. "It is what it is," as my husband and his grandmother both like to say.

Lord, help me to be honest. Help me to be an open book, and if I am tempted to lie, let me remember why its not the right thing for me to do. I don't want to suffer from guilt and I don't want others to suffer from being misled by me. Amen.

Elijah vs. Baal - Get off the fence!

In today's political atmosphere, I often feel outnumbered and insignificant because of my beliefs. Sometimes to avoid confrontations, I will abstain from letting my opinion be known. I still do this with certain people, mainly as a way of respecting them. Because they are older, I don't want to show disrespect by saying that I think their opinions are wrong, or selfish, or based on lies. Sometimes I will try to show dissent by keeping quiet, but I am not very good at this. When I don't say what I feel, then I feel dishonest, and that is a very uncomfortable feeling for me.

But then if I speak up, it sometimes opens me up to criticism, attacks, and harassment. So I don't know what the happy medium is between agreeing outwardly while inwardly condemning, saying nothing, and putting it all out there.

I guess with people that I know well and members of my family, I feel as though it is extremely assuming and presumptuous for me to say, "you don't have all the facts and you are wrong." I guess my understanding of political and religious belief is that there is a reason everyone thinks the way that they do, and that includes you, and that includes me. Perhaps it is right for one person to think one thing, and  for another to think something else. Maybe there is no objective truth, other than people were made to be happy. Therefore people will think whatever makes them happy.

I am certainly guilty of this. But I think it is so rude to try to persuade someone to see things your way. I'm still not sure what the exceptions are.

Am I a temple of God?

To know that God dwells in me helps me feel as though I have a higher purpose. It motivates me to be strong in what I do, and try to do whatever is right. To know that God dwells in me helps me make decisions that honor myself and therefore honor God.

I am not sure how intimate I want to be with God. I guess I don't have a really good idea of what that means. Does it mean to be completely happy? Or to be completely perfect, like a saint? To not live in this world? I have no idea. I do know that I like this world (most of the time). I guess I am of the earth that way. Maybe a part of my philosophy is thinking that this world is God's gift to all of us, and to enjoy it is to enjoy God's love for us. I definitely think life was meant to be enjoyed. That never means that I expect it to be easy, though. When times are hard, I try to remember how I appreciate things that I've had to struggle for and earn, rather than things that were just given to me.

What price would I pay to be closer to God? That is a tough, tough question. I could pay the price of smoking, I suppose. I could pay the price of being disciplined and starting good habits. However, these things are ultimately selfish because they are good for me. I absolutely know that I would not pay with the loss of my husband, which is something I feel is asked of me sometimes, since he is in the military. I am not willing to give up the hope for us to start a family. I am not willing to give up on my own family, my parents, my brothers, my sisters. These are not things I would risk for a relationship with God. I suppose that is, again, selfish of me. Isn't the saying that the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away? I keep telling myself this, but when any of these people I love are threatened, I am begging God please, don't take them away. So really, I don't know what I could give that would be of worth, besides my own actions, words, thoughts, and prayers, to pay the price of being closer to God.

I am a person who feels intense sadness and anxiety, but not often euphoria or awe. I'm hardly ever overwhelmed by positivity, but at the same time, positivity is something I try to cultivate every day. So it is hard for me to say when I might have ever felt in awe of God or overwhelmed by his presence. That is not to say that I am not grateful or do not appreciate God and what he has given me! I think it just may be hard for me to see through the drama and struggles I'm engaging in, and be open to feelings of awe or inspiration. I feel like I'm fighting for the power to be calm. Maybe once I can find that calm place I will know God better, and feel his inspiration in a bigger way. Its ok if not though. What I have right now is the strength to be happy, and I've been shown this through pain and the weirdest of circumstances. I feel blessed that I've even come this far, and I have lots of hope for the future.

2 Samuel 22

Today, rather than my thoughts we have some shameless plagiarizing from King David. Things seem a bit stormy now and I find this chapter comforting. It helps me remember that God is in control even when times are crazy and people have issues... What we need, he will provide.

David sang to the Lord the words of this song when the Lord delivered him from the hands of his enemies and from the hand of Saul. He said:

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation.
He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior -
from violent men you save me.
I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.

The waves of death swirled about me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called to the Lord;
I called out to my God.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came to his ears.

The earth trembled and quaked,
the foundations of the heavens shook;
they trembled because he was angry.
Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.
He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.
He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.
He made darkness his canopy around him -
the dark rain clouds of the sky.
Out of the brightness of his presence
bolts of lightning blazed forth.
The Lord thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded.
He shot arrows and scattered the enemies,
bolts of lightning and routed them.
The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at the rebuke of the Lord,
at the blast of breath from his nostrils.

He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
bu the Lord was my support.
he brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

The Lord has dealt with me according to my righteousness;
according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.
For I have kept the ways of the Lord;
I have not doen evil by turning from my God.
All his laws are before me;
I have not turned away from his decrees.
I have been blameless before him
and have kept myself from sin.
The Lord has rewarded me according to my righteousness,
according to my cleanness in his sight.

To the faithful you show yourself faithful,
to the blameless you show yourself blameless,
to the pure you show yourself pure,
but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd.
You save the humble,
but your eyes are on the haughty to bring them low.
You are my lamp, O Lord;
the Lord turns my darkness into light.
With your help I can advance against a troop;
with my God I can scale a wall.

As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the Lord is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in him.
For who is God besides the Lord?
And who is the Rock except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You give me your shield of victory;
you stoop to make me great.
You broaden the path beneath me,
so that my ankles do not turn.

I pursued my enemies and crushed them;
I did not turn back till they were destroyed.
I crushed them completely, and they could not rise;
they fell beneath my feet.
You armed me with strength for battle;
you made my adversaries bow at my feet.
You made my enemies turn their backs in flight,
and I destroyed my foes.
They cried for help, but there was no one to save them -
to the Lord, but he did not answer.
I beat them as fine as the dust of the earth;
I pounded and trampled them like mud in the streets.

You have delivered me from the attacks of my people;
you have preserved me as the head of nations.
People I did not know are subject to me,
and foreigners come cringing to me;
as soon as they hear me, they obey me.
They all lose heart;
they come trembling from their strongholds.

The Lord lives! Praise be to my Rock!
Exalted be God, the Rock, my Savior!
He is the God who avenges me,
who puts the nations under me,
who sets me free from my enemies.
You exalted me above my foes;
from violent men you rescued me.
Therefore I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations;
I will sing praises to your name.
He gives his king great victories;
he shows unfailing kindness to his anointed,
to David and his descendants forever.

David and Absolom

2 Samuel 19:1-8

David was overwhelmed with grief when his son Absolom was killed, even though Absolom had tried to kill David. But Joab, the leader of his army, took him aside and told him to basically get it together for the sake of his country of Israel.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about this. Right now, this speaks very clearly to me about things that are going on in my family. An individual person has the right to their feelings, of love, sorrow, guilt, and tolerance, but a parent also has the responsibility to protect their children. It was innappropriate for David to forget about the rest of his "children", the children of Israel, in mourning for his traitorous son Absolom. He absolutely had the right to mourn his son, but not to abandon his country in doing so. Maybe I just don't fully understand because I am not a parent. But as a parent, how can you choose one child over another? If one child abuses you, and this threatens the others, how can you overlook that? You may want to sacrifice yourself for the good of that one child, but how is that noble when the others need you to take care of them?

Lord, help me accept and forgive. Help me remember that all I want to do is help, and being judgmental or critical helps no one but myself. Help me understand what I can do to help my family. I thought I knew what I had to do but now I'm not so sure.

2 Samuel 12:13

I've struggled with a lot of negative feelings about myself. Anything bad that happens to me, I've typically internalized and blamed myself for. Things that I've been embarrassed about, I've felt so ashamed. Then over the last few years I've come to realize, slowly, that all of us are flawed in one way or another, and no one expects me to be perfect, not now at 26, and definitely not when I was 8, or 11, or 13, or 17. That helps me put it in perspective and get over feelings of shame.

I've figured out that even though we and I are imperfect, we still deserve lots of love, compassion, and forgiveness. And we get lots of love, compassion, and forgiveness from God if we open ourselves up to it. I think you have to admit that you are worthy and deserve love before you can accept God's healing in your life. I know that sounds so cliche and at the same time we are supposed to say in church, "I am not worthy." It's true - we aren't worthy. We aren't perfect. We sin, and make mistakes, and look stupid. But Jesus thought we were worth dying for, and that made us, with all our baggage and issues, worth God's love, and our own love I think. I don't mean a self-serving love but a self-healing love. If God loves me enough to give me a chance at life, then I can say thank you by loving my life. I hope that makes sense.

Lord help me remember you when I feel guilty or don't appreciate my life. When I think of times when I was embarrassed or when I looked bad, help me remember that this is part of being human, and that's all that I am. And I love it. I love being a human being. Help me remember that and thank you every day for giving me my life, no matter where it takes me. I know its not always going to be easy. But with your help I can make it good. Amen.

Sanctuary

In today's reading (2 Samuel 9,) King David welcomes the last of Saul's relatives, Mephibosheth, into his court and guarantees that he will be provided for, in spite of Saul's constant attempts to kill David. He tells Saul's grandson, "You will always eat at my table."

Putting myself in Mephibosheth's shoes, I imagine feeling very surprised and relieved. I would feel grateful. All my life I've felt excluded (I've come to realize that I'm just an introvert, and I don't do well in situations where I'm put in large groups of people). So to be included at the King's table would make me feel so very honored. I would finally feel like I belonged and that I wasn't a wallflower any more.

Then I read the parable of the wedding banquet (Matthew 22:1-14.) I believe that the invitation extended from the king is that of happiness. God is inviting us to be happy in our lives. True happiness is found in faith, in times of uncertainty, hope, in times of suffering, and always kindness to each other. All of us are invited to happiness in God, in many different ways, but a lot of people would rather do their own thing. I've been there. I've been depressed and alone but somehow I always felt God was with me. I often chose not to acknowledge it. Even in the darkest times I've been blessed with hope for the future, whether I attributed it to God or not. I think the invitation is to live in God intentionally, and feed your spirit at his table. Sometimes our bad habits and selfishness keep us stuck and we think we would prefer those routines to eating at God's banquet. This is understandable because we are all creatures of habit. Right now the main thing that keeps me from peace is frustration in a lot of daily issues. I have to pray to be able to transcend these problems that I can't control and choose to be happy anyways.

"These are they who come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. Therefore,

they are before the throne of God
and serve him day and night in his temple;
and he who sits on the throne  will spread his tent over them.
Never again will they hunger;
never again will they thirst.
The sun will not beat upon them,
nor any scorching heat.
For the Lamb at the center of the throne
will be their shepherd;
he will lead them to springs of living water.
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."

Revelation 7:14-17

Praising God for his blessings

My personality can be reserved, sometimes perceived as cold. This affects my praise of God by understating it. I can be very happy and overjoyed without seeming like it, and I can be appreciative and thankful without making a big show out of it. Unless I feel completely comfortable being open, I can be really shy, especially in large groups of people.

During worship, I'm more inwardly focused. That's the introverted part of me. I don't go to church and worship with others that often so its not something I experience that much. But when I do go, I try to involve myself by singing the hymns and reading the prayers and thinking about the scriptures, enjoying the rituals. Its not so much about watching others worship and judging them. I really feel like that's none of my business. I think a good balance in worship is to genuinely be yourself and come to worship and nurture your spirit. God created us as we are and created us each to worship him in our own way, and God will judge, so I don't need to. At the same time I don't feel like its necessary to make a big show out of worshipping, but that's my personal preference. I'm more secretive about things like that. I usually enjoy when someone is exuberant about praising God, so long as they sound sincere. Sometimes I feel like people use prayer as a way of showing off or gaining popularity, and that annoys me.

Some recent blessings God has given me are...

• 3&1/2 months of not smoking! 
• Signs of hope and happiness within my family! 
• Financial stability.
• The time to focus on taking care of myself and my family. 
• A happy marriage with hope for the future. 
• A loving husband who appreciates me. 
• An adorable dog and cat. 
• A glimpse of what  my career might be, and the motivation to pursue that. 
• A loving and supportive extended family. 
• Good health, energy, limitless opportunities! 

Too many to name, in all seriousness. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for giving me so many good things in my life, that I can't even begin to talk about all of them. :)

Abigail and the power of gentle words

Abigail was an interesting lady who seemed to be in a bad situation, being married to a man with an ugly attitude whose name means "fool." Her livelihood was threatened because of her husband's foolishness, but she interceded to David on his behalf. David saw her to be intelligent and spared her and her family, letting her supplications soothe his anger at her husband. He credited God for letting Abigail influence him not to attack her homeland.

I am not very good at being gentle or sensitive to others' feelings. It is in my nature to be outspoken and assertive, but it has also been my experience that when others are that way to me, it persuades me to do the opposite of what they want, even though they might want the best for me. I know I have the ability to be thoughtful - it just seems like this whole summer and year have been about people testing my boundaries, and I have less opportunities to express that part of myself. I have to be careful so it doesn't disappear.

I feel less peaceful and more warlike these days. However, when an intervention is necessary, it is so important to find areas to connect, even though there is an obvious area of disagreement. Lately I feel really distressed about political differences. I feel attacked and deliberately misunderstood, judged for having my own opinions, and in retaliation I form my own judgements. This kills relationship.

Lord, help me find gentle words for people I disagree with. Help me have understanding and compassion for others as I have for myself. Help me see the humanity of my friends and family that I am having struggles with. They are your children too. Help me learn not to be threatened by idealogical differences. Help me be less angry; help me have -and share- peace. Love, Mandy.

Forgiving your enemies like David

Just this last weekend I had a crisis that ended up hurting me a lot. I've since recovered, but this is what happened.

One of my dear and close friends suddenly told me "goodbye" out of the blue. He did not respond to my inquiries about why he was saying goodbye, where was he going, and he pretty much cut off all contact with me, and I had no idea why. I had a weird feeling about it, but decided to leave it alone. But then, when I brought it up to my husband, he became concerned and convinced me to go check on my friend and make sure everything was ok. My husband was worried that my friend was acting suicidal.

So I drove across town, worried, and hoping that he would be home for me to talk to. I was relieved when I saw his car in the driveway. Then when he opened the door to me, I knew right away that something was wrong. I tried to explain that I was worried, that he was acting unlike himself, and I just wanted to make sure he was ok. He started drinking, and acting like he was angry with me, blaming me for not reaching out to him enough. He complained that nobody cared about him and that he was worthless. He talked as if he was going somewhere, but he would not tell me where. I think he wanted me to be worried and think he was suicidal. He became extremely ugly to me when I asked him if he was going to hurt himself. He told me it was pathetic that that was the only reason I came over to his house, and it was pathetic that I was the only one who came. I had the intention of sitting and staying with him, talking it out, but he didn't want to talk it out. He wanted to abuse me, abuse my friendship, feeling sorry for himself and taking it out on me. The last straw for me was when he looked me in the eye and said repeatedly, "Fuck God! Fuck God!" It wasn't the sentiment, which I can understand at times, but I truly felt that by saying this he was doing his best to provoke me. I felt so attacked. I hadn't been speaking to him about God, and he knew from our previous conversations that I liked to read the Bible.

I put my shoes on and left. The whole time I was there I was really emotional, upset and crying, and trying to show that I cared. When I left I was inconsolable. I was so concerned. I worried that he would hurt himself. After consulting my parents and determining that I could not be with him at this time, but still scared that he would do something he couldn't take back, I called 911 and explained the situation. Unfortunately, this just made it worse, and I cried myself to sleep that night.

Then I found out from another mutual friend that this is something that he does, often. He acts dramatically to try to force others to prove somehow that they care for him.

Since then I haven't spoken to him. I'm too disgusted, too angry. I feel as though I've been punished for trying to help, for caring, for doing what I would want a true friend to do for me if I was in a similar situation. And I actually have been in a similar situation. Thank God my friends and family cared enough to come be with me, and ensure that I was safe.

I've pretty much decided that I do not want any interaction with him. I am too angry to be of any help or encouragement to him, and I feel too manipulated to trust anything he comes at me with. At this point, I don't know how to respond with blessing aside from protecting myself, because I felt so threatened that night.

Maybe one day I will be able to forgive him in my mind. But unless he sincerely seeks help for his genuine problem, I do not want to be around him. I do not want to enable him to continue this unhealthy pattern, and I do not want to be vulnerable again to his abuse.

Lord help me heal from this and grant me some compassion and understanding. Give me the grace to forgive and move on, in your good time. Amen.

1 Samuel 17:32-51 - David the Underdog

God used David to take down Goliath so that Israel could be humbled and their faith strengthened. If their army had won the battle, that would have been a victory but the army could claim the credit. With David and his humility giving God full credit for his victory, there is no way to doubt that God had control. It also proved to the Philistines that Israel's God was powerful.

In everything that I do and everything that happens to me, I am seeking God's purpose. I try to use my good judgement and make the right decisions but I am human and sometimes (often) my choices are flawed. But it is apparent to me that God is powerful because he takes my stupid choices and turns them into an opportunity. Even though I am imperfect in many, many ways, I am still trying to be an instrument of God's will.

I have several battles going on right now. One is for my personal boundaries. Another is for my family. Another is to keep my cool in this time of heated political differences. Yet another is to overcome the fear of harm for my husband. Fortunately I have all these other battles to distract me from this last one -most of the time!

Lord, fight these battles with me. Help me calm down and stop feeling so angry and afraid. Soothe me when I feel flustered. Help me know the right way to respond to everything I come up against. Amen.

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

1 Samuel 15: 1-23 -But, Lord...

I have a lot of "but, Lord," moments. Usually they come from trying to find a way to rationalize doing what I want, what I feel like doing. For instance, a very recent example is that I was manipulated and misused by someone I had imagined was a close friend to me. There is pretty much no excuse for that person's behavior, no trust left over, and nothing left to form the remains of a friendship on. My parents and my husband, and my logic tell me that it would be best if I never contacted this person. But part of me thinks that I somehow owe it to this person to try to explain why we can't be friends. Even though I have tried this in similar situations in the past, and it has not worked out, part of me still feels tempted to do this. I'm on the brink of realizing that all that that is, is a natural and selfish inclination to assert my own opinion, even though I know it won't do any good. In fact I know it would open me up to more pain and make me vulnerable to more abuse.

Another example of this, that is closely related, is my rationalization for having close, unattached, male friends even though I am married. I am starting to realize that this is not as harmless as I originally thought, and sets me up for all kinds of pitfalls. Basically even though I know I have no intentions for infidelity, and trust myself and my love for my husband, there is no way that I can be assured of the other person's intentions. It is perhaps selfish of me to lean on a male friend emotionally without any intention of intimacy. At least I can see how my actions might be confused or mistaken for something else. Part of me knows this is not a good idea. I think I may have finally learned why I feel this way.

My commitment today is to myself and to my marriage. First, I am committed to removing myself from the presence of people who provoke me. Second, I am committed to not rely on my male friends for emotional support, especially if they are single and may have an interest in me. Only my husband. And to be very, very careful who I trust and who I allow to influence me.

1 Samuel 3 & Listening for God

1 Samuel 3



I have a lot of doubts and insecurities, and my mind is always busy thinking. Because of this, I often don't know what to do or feel. I am an over-thinker. But I'm getting better at listening to my feelings. Stopping smoking has really opened me up to this.

It is extremely hard for me to be still most of the time. I'm always moving, jiggling my leg, biting my fingernails. I have a lot of anxious habits. Its easiest for me when I'm in relaxing poses doing yoga, such as lying facedown on the floor or in Child pose. I could stay in these poses for a long time and I feel tired, lazy, and peaceful. My brain is really able to relax and be still. This is the most helpful thing about doing yoga. I do not necessarily "hear" God - maybe that will come with time, or if I do it for longer periods of time - but I definitely feel peace.

http://www.cnyhealingarts.com/2010/11/08/the-health-benefits-of-balasana-child%E2%80%99s-pose/

Psalm 84

How lovely is your dwelling place,
O Lord Almighty!
My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.

Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young-
a place near your altar,
O Lord Almighty, my King and my God.
Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.

Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.

Hear my prayer, O Lord God Almighty;
listen to me, O God of Jacob.
Look upon our shield, O God;
look with favor on your anointed one.

Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.

O Lord Almighty,
blessed is the man who trusts in you.

1 Samuel 1 & Giving it up to God

1 Samuel 1:28

"So now I give him over to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord."

A good example of holding things back from God would be my smoking. I loved my cigarettes. I loved the routine of lighting up as soon as I woke up, or before I went to bed, and how they helped me feel calmer, and as if I was doing something for myself. I kept coming up with excuses not to stop smoking, like, "Now is not the right time," or "I'm too stressed out to try to stop smoking." Everyone who loved and cared about me urged me to stop smoking, and I knew it was bad for me, but for some reason I enjoyed smoking too much to let it go.

This is what happened when I let go of smoking:

I felt better. I had fewer problems with allergies and sinuses. My skin improved. My teeth stopped looking yellow. My hands and hair stopped smelling like smoke. My car stopped smelling like smoke. I stopped feeling guilty for smoking, which is the best part of all. I used to do it and hate myself for it, but not be strong enough to choose to not do it. My family was relieved and I am healthier. I felt better about myself for just being able to quit.

Being without the guilt of smoking freed up my energy for other, more healthy routines, like doing yoga when I get up, and before I go to bed. I can tailor my diet and take my dog on walks without feeling like a total hypocrite, because I truly do want to be healthy, and I finally stopped doing something that was so unhealthy. I have unblocked energy to write and think and debate. I'm not sure if this comes from not smoking or from freedom from guilt, brought by smoking. Either way it feels like a super power.

My theory is that God influenced me through my feelings of guilt. I knew smoking was bad for me, and if it was good for me, then I would have felt good about it, and I would have known it was a healthy thing to do. Even though I kept trying to rationalize it by saying that I needed to smoke to feel ok, I really knew that I would feel better and like myself more if I could stop. I really think God wants me to be happy and guides me to do the things that ultimately will make me truly happy. It may seem really scary at first, and I tend to take a little while to learn such lessons. Which brings me to another thought: if God can wait patiently for me to come around and follow his plan, learn my lessons, and go back to acting in the right way, surely I ought to be patient with God.

Ruth 1 & Death

Ruth Chapter 1

My favorite verse from this chapter:

Ruth 1:16: "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God."

In the devotion to this reading, there is a beautiful quote that I highlighted and wanted to share: What do you do in the face of death? Do you blame God, as Naomi did? Do you stay put in nowhere land, as Orpah stayed in Moab? Or do you let God weave your grief into a new story, as Ruth did?

I have been influenced by death in two major ways. First, the death of my grandpa, which took me a long time to process, and still doesn't make much sense to me, and second, the possibility of my husband deploying and being in harm's way, and the very real possibility that he could be killed. He is in the Army. This second possibility paralyzes me with fear. I hear every day about other soldiers who were killed and mourned by their families and this just makes it that much more real to me, that this could happen to my husband.

Honestly, nothing about death gives me hope. My feelings about it lately are that if something does happen to my husband, I will eventually be ok. It will take a long time and it will not be graceful, but I will survive. Part of me worries that even trying to make sense out of this is inviting tragedy. I am working every day to find peace about this. I almost feel that by worrying so much about it and being so scared, I am asking for that which I'm afraid of to happen.

Yesterday I prayed for faith and today I will pray for hope. God, help me focus on life and not death. Help me have hope for the future. Help me deal with what comes, as it comes. I pray this for me and for anyone who is struggling with the pain of loss and fear for the future. Amen.

Intro

This blog is about my spiritual journey from day to day. I use the New Women's Devotional Bible from Zondervan Bibles as inspiration and prompt because it has helped me by allowing me to respond to questions that end up defining my worldview, if that makes sense. This is not just about God and the Bible and spirituality, but it is very much about my ideas and attitudes about life.